The Pastor's Kid: Finding Your Own Faith and Identity by Barnabas Piper

Author:Barnabas Piper [Piper, Barnabas]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Pastor&#39, s Family, John Piper, Ministry, Scrutiny, Identity Issues, church, Christian Living
Publisher: David C. Cook
Published: 2014-06-30T17:00:00+00:00

Chapter 6

PASTOR AND CHILD

“Families were sacrificed on the altar of ministry, and the pressures of life burned both to the ground.”

—Matthew Weathers, PK

“The best shepherds shepherd those closest to them in the Kingdom. You can never be a good pastor when you can’t pastor your physical family, I don’t care how ‘successful’ your ministry may be.”

—Angela Jackson, PK

The grace described in the last chapter is a grace PKs need from all sides—from the church at large as well as the nuclear family. I gave categories of grace, filters through which people can press their actions and motivations to sift out gracelessness. In this chapter I will address the pastor and spouse, the parents of PKs. Certain expressions of grace are particular to the pastor and don’t apply to the larger church. Such expressions are personal, often intensely so. The relationship between pastor and child is defined by these expressions or their absence. In fact, without the expressions of grace that follow, a healthy relationship cannot exist between pastor and child.

Be a Parent, Not a Pastor

Pastors have often been encouraged to “pastor their families.” I understand the sentiment such exhortation carries. It speaks to the spiritual care of spouse and children and being a good leader in the home. In short, it is given in the spirit of the real meaning of pastor—a shepherd, a caretaker of a flock. Despite the best intentions of such an instruction, though, it is bad advice. The problem lies in the functional, cultural definition of pastor and the expectations that lie on the role.

In the Western church the role of pastor has taken on responsibilities and definitions it ought not. The pastor is seen as the spiritual burden bearer for an entire congregation. He is the prophetic voice of authority, the nearly infallible voice of God. He is the answer man for questions on topics ranging from sex to stewardship to sanctification. He is the figurehead of a religious institution, and often this means he is a political pundit too. He must be an expert accountant, theologian, psychologist, marketer, strategist, and orator. In short, he must exhibit every spiritual gift God intended to be dispersed throughout the entire church. The cultural expectations on pastors are mostly unbiblical, entirely impractical, and generally downright stupid. We each expect the pastor to meet our particular need with expediency and wisdom. It is an untenable situation, a burden no man can bear.

Many pastors haven’t even given thought to this. They simply go about their lives and ministries trying to meet all these expectations. They view their role as church culture has defined it; they know no other way. Some may buck the expectations or have a subtle sense that something isn’t quite right. Others embrace the expectations and begin to think of themselves as able to fulfill all the demands of the role. These often view themselves as CEOs or develop “god complexes” where they can find or be the solutions to any difficulty. Still others just wither and get emptied out into a discouraged husk of a minister.

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